General

What you might need is just hang around in these communities. Some people might be annoying but most of the users overall are super supportive.

We can understand what you are going trough. The stigma implanted by those who know you personally can be quite harsh, and then there's the clash with what you truly desire which sends your mind into a downward spiral.

My only recommendation is for you to find what you most want of yourself. Block out all interference from outside and seek those who have the same dreams and goals. Whenever or not it's about gaining or not it doesn't matter. Instead of telling you "don't mind, just gain", it's much better that you make the decision yourself without any influence other than what is most dear to you.

I hope you have a good time. Take care of yourself!

Yah, a lot of us are pulled both ways. I've tried to compromise by being just a little fat, so I could kind of straddle both worlds, but over the years what 'a little fat' means has increased and I'm quite a bit fatter now than when I started. And of course when I do try to lose, as you found, it is hard to lose as much as you have gained.

Hopefully you'll be able to move away from your home town again, and have a little more freedom to make this choice without as much pressure around you.